In relationships, we often encounter a variety of dynamics – from deep intimacy to tension and competition. The Wheel of Consent by Dr. Betty Martin offers a powerful method for bringing clarity to these interactions, whether they occur in loving or competitive contexts. But how can this model be applied to seemingly opposite types of relationships? And more importantly: When is it time to end a relationship – whether cooperative or competitive?
The Wheel of Consent in Loving Relationships
In loving relationships – whether romantic, friendly, or familial – the focus is on creating an authentic connection where both sides feel safe and close. The Wheel of Consent helps identify, express, and align one’s own needs with the desires of the other person. The central question is: “Who is this action for?”
Giving (Serving): The Gift of Care
In loving relationships, giving means offering something that enhances the other person’s happiness or well-being. It is an act of care, but only authentic if done voluntarily.
Example: You prepare a meal for someone because you know it will bring them joy. It’s a heartfelt gift, given without expecting anything in return.
Receiving: Opening Up and Accepting
Receiving in a relationship means openly and gratefully accepting the care or affection offered by the other person. It involves being aware of and clearly expressing your desires.
Example: You allow yourself to enjoy a loving touch or a compliment without guilt or the need to reciprocate immediately.
Taking: The Courage for Self-Care
In a healthy relationship, prioritizing your own needs and caring for yourself is equally important – with the other person’s consent.
Example: You ask your partner if you can hold their hand because you need the closeness and connection, and they agree.
Allowing: Setting Boundaries and Trusting
Allowing means giving the other person space for their desires, as long as it aligns with your boundaries. It requires self-awareness and trust to say what feels okay for you.
Example: You permit your partner to read you a poem, even if it’s not your first choice, as long as it feels comfortable for you.
In loving relationships, the Wheel of Consent creates a foundation where honesty, mutual understanding, and respect can flourish. It’s about living authentically while honoring the needs of the other person.
Red Flags in Loving Relationships
In cooperative relationships, manipulative behaviors can be harder to spot because they are often subtly embedded in language and dynamics. Watch out for these warning signs:
Modal verbs like “must,” “should,” and “not allowed to”: If you’re frequently told what you “must” or “cannot” do without genuine consent being established, it may indicate control or manipulation.
Impersonal language: Phrases like “It is taken,” “It is given,” and “It is allowed” often obscure responsibility. This passivity can signal that the other person is hiding the power dynamics.
Lack of reciprocity: When one person consistently receives without giving back or always takes without considering their actions’ impact, it signals an imbalance.
What to Do?
If you recognize that the other person is a "dirty player" or manipulative partner, the rule is: Get yourself to safety. Look for ways to end the relationship before it causes too much emotional, mental, or social damage. Set clear boundaries and avoid escalating the situation unnecessarily.
The Wheel of Consent in Competitive Relationships
In competitive relationships, dynamics like power, strategy, and masking often come into play. The Wheel of Consent helps you consciously recognize the roles being played – and how submissiveness or dominance is being used or overcome strategically.
Giving (Serving): Strategic Concessions
In competition, giving can mean seemingly offering an advantage to the other party to strengthen your position in the long term.
Example: In a negotiation, you make a small concession to gain trust and later push for bigger demands.
Masking Behavior: Submissiveness can be used as a mask to hide strength and lull the other party into a false sense of security.
Receiving: Seizing Opportunities
This role involves recognizing and capitalizing on the offers or weaknesses of the other party for your own advantage.
Example: You accept an invitation to collaborate, gaining access to valuable resources, even if the other party didn’t intend this outcome.
Masking Behavior: Dominance may be masked as gratitude while secretly following a strategic agenda.
Taking: Actively Pursuing Your Own Interests
This role focuses on seeking opportunities to take what you need – with or without consent but within the rules.
Example: You make an aggressive move in a game to gain an advantage while anticipating the other person’s reaction.
Masking Behavior: A mask of strength may be worn to cover insecurities and maintain control.
Allowing: Controlled Yielding
Allowing means consciously letting the other party take certain actions to secure your position.
Example: You permit the other party to use a temporary advantage, planning to exploit their overconfidence or weaknesses later.
Masking Behavior: Submissiveness can be deliberately staged to control the dynamic and conceal your strategy.
Red Flags in Competitive Relationships
Competitive relationships often operate within a defined set of rules (e.g., contracts, game rules, or social norms). Violations of these rules are usually more apparent than in cooperative relationships:
Rule-breaking (“Dirty Play”): When a party deliberately breaks the rules, such as violating agreements, manipulating information, or unfairly distributing resources, it’s a clear breach of trust.
Manipulation through exploitation: Someone tries to harm you long-term or gain an unfair advantage through deceptive tactics.
Abuse of power positions: Strength is used to dominate or intimidate others unfairly.
What to Do?
In competitive relationships, it’s often easier to take action:
Document violations: In business contexts, you can clearly document breaches of rules or contracts and take legal steps.
End the relationship: Once a “dirty player” is identified, terminate the collaboration as quickly as possible without unnecessary emotional entanglements. The goal is to minimize economic or professional harm while concluding the relationship.
Key Difference: Authenticity vs. Strategy
In cooperative relationships: Reflexes are subtler. Manipulative behaviors are often embedded in language (modal verbs, impersonal phrasing) and require good self-awareness to detect. Setting boundaries and distancing yourself is critical when imbalance persists.
In competitive relationships: Since they often operate within rules and structures, violations and “dirty play” are easier to spot. Deciding to end the relationship is usually more straightforward because the consequences are more evident.
Conclusion: Exit Before the Damage Grows
Whether in loving or competitive relationships, manipulation, rule-breaking, and unhealthy dynamics are clear signs that a relationship has no future. The Wheel of Consent helps you understand roles and dynamics better but also highlights red flags. The most important step remains: Protect yourself.
Whether subtly in a cooperative relationship or overtly in a competitive one, as soon as you notice patterns of control, manipulation, or unfair behavior, it’s time to take action. Aim to minimize collateral damage for yourself and others while ending the connection. True strength lies not only in building healthy relationships but also in decisively cutting ties with unhealthy ones.
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