The Stages of Separation According to Mark Knapp
Conflict avoidance and inadequate conflict resolution strategies can slowly erode love, as unresolved tensions and misunderstandings undermine the relationship. When partners avoid conflicts to preserve harmony, important needs, and concerns remain unspoken, leading to emotional distance and gradually weakening trust in the relationship. According to relationship researcher John Gottman, it's not conflict itself that harms a relationship but rather the way it is handled. When issues are not addressed constructively, frustrations and disappointments accumulate, often leading to internal withdrawal and a lasting strain on the bond. Mark Knapp’s “Coming Apart” model describes in detail how relationships gradually drift apart, ultimately ending in separation. These phases help to understand how a couple reacts to growing differences and communication issues and how these affect the relationship. Here is a detailed look at each stage:
#1 – Differentiating
In the differentiation phase, partners see themselves more as individuals than as a unit. Personal differences, which may have been accepted or ignored in earlier stages, now become more pronounced and can lead to tension. Partners may focus more on their interests, reflecting a desire for independence and self-discovery. In this phase, conflicts and frictions often arise as expectations, values, and personal goals no longer align.
Characteristics: Rediscovery of personal interests and values, emphasis on individual identity, and boundaries within the relationship.
Examples: One partner develops a strong interest in a new hobby and spends a lot of time on it, while the other would prefer to spend that time together. This may lead to discussions about priorities and a desire for more space for individuality.
#2 – Circumscribing
In the circumscribing phase, communication increasingly revolves around superficial or safe topics. Both partners avoid deep or controversial conversations to prevent conflict, which reduces emotional closeness. Conversations become more routine and formal, lacking depth and spontaneity. This phase intensifies distance and emotional withdrawal as important topics are no longer discussed.
Characteristics: Reduced communication, avoidance of intimate or difficult topics, superficiality in conversations.
Examples: Instead of discussing feelings or concerns, communication mainly revolves around daily logistics, like who will handle the shopping or pick up the kids. Conversations that used to be intense and lively are now avoided or remain superficial.
#3 – Stagnating
The stagnating phase describes a relationship stuck in an emotional dead end. Interactions become monotonous, partners see little potential for change or growth, and the emotional connection is largely gone. There is no interest in deepening or improving the relationship, leading to a feeling of emptiness. Although there may be no active conflict, the relationship continues passively, with neither partner putting in effort.
Characteristics: A feeling of resignation, stagnation, passive acceptance of the relationship, minimal communication.
Examples: A couple spends most of their time independently, simply coexisting and showing little interest in joint activities or conversations. Both recognize the situation but see no incentive or motivation to change it.
#4 – Avoiding
In the avoiding phase, partners actively begin to withdraw from each other. Direct contact is avoided as much as possible, and emotional and physical distance increases. Partners might make conscious excuses to spend time apart and avoid situations that would lead to interaction. The relationship in this phase is often emotionally shut down, making separation inevitable.
Characteristics: Deliberate avoidance of contact, physical and emotional distancing, excuses to spend time apart.
Examples: One partner might work overtime more often or prioritize meetings with friends to avoid going home. Shared activities and obligations are minimized, and there is almost complete emotional absence.
#5 – Terminating
In the final phase, the relationship is officially ended. Both partners can decide together or individually to end the relationship. This phase often involves a clarifying conversation in which the reasons for the breakup are discussed and reflected upon. The termination phase is emotionally challenging for many, but it offers the possibility to bring closure to the relationship and gain clarity.
Characteristics: Closure conversations, official separation, farewell to the relationship, processing the breakup.
Examples: A couple that realizes they no longer share common goals or feelings decides to separate in a calm discussion. This may involve moving, legal steps, or formally addressing shared responsibilities.
How Relationships Fall Apart – Summary
One reason why conflicts are avoided is the fear of escalation or getting hurt. However, without open communication and effective conflict resolution strategies, the core issues remain unaddressed, leading to an “inner withdrawal.” Studies show that couples who actively address conflicts and find joint solutions experience greater relationship satisfaction and stability. Relationship researcher John Gottman emphasizes that it’s not the conflict itself but the way it’s handled that is critical to the relationship. A partner who avoids conflicts may gradually emotionally disconnect, increasing the long-term risk of separation.
Additionally, a lack of conflict resolution creates a vicious cycle: The inability to talk about problems can lead to pent-up negative emotions that eventually come out as criticism or accusations. This, in turn, can trigger defensive mechanisms in the other person, deepening the conflict. Couples who don’t develop strategies to handle conflicts constructively often experience a deterioration in the relationship, as each unaddressed issue further weakens the emotional connection.
Therefore, it’s essential to view conflicts not as threats but as opportunities to deepen mutual understanding and strengthen the relationship. Open communication, empathy, and a shared commitment to problem-solving are essential elements of a healthy relationship, allowing couples to see conflicts as constructive aspects of their bond and, in doing so, preserve love in the long term.
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Sources
"Interpersonal Communication and Human Relationships" (Knapp & Vangelisti, 2008): Explains the stages of separation and how a lack of communication fosters disconnection.
"Social Intercourse: From Greeting to Goodbye" (Knapp, 1978): Describes the stages of drifting apart and how conflict avoidance weakens relationships.
"Nonverbal Communication in Human Interaction" (Knapp & Hall, 2013): Illustrates how nonverbal cues, like distancing, accompany growing estrangement.
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